Should I make an asshole rec league BB father of myself?
 

We signed the boys up for the local community youth basketball program, not competitive leagues, just let’s have fun type of stuff. Neither are great basketball players for their ages, but they are competent and can contribute. After the dearth of such opportunities overseas, I wanted them to experience the real game and competition.

It looks like the 12-year-old got lucky. He’s an okay shooter inside 10 feet but not a good ball handler nor does he really see the court all that well. He is still adjusting to the speed and aggressiveness of the game. Fortunately he is one of the taller boys (early growth) and has some really good ball handlers/distributors on his team. These kids could dominate the play, but more than often opt to pass to the open man. My kid plays mostly under the basket and given the tendency for 12-year-olds to surge away from the basket on defense, he is often wide open for short shots or lay-ins and the ball handlers pass to him. Very nice and quite unexpected. My son tells me yesterday one of the better boys told him at school that he’s “got game”, which has to be one of the supreme compliments one 12-year-old can give another one. Add to this that the coach is very conscious about making sure every boy plays as equal an amount of time as possible, and I don’t think this could be working out any better.

The situation for my 8-year-old looks like it may be much different. Again, he’s not the greatest talent, but well within the average for what’s out there. His first game was last night and we (his parents) didn’t come home very happy. In essence, there is a great disparity in playing time, with two boys that pretty much dominate play only coming out the last four minutes of a 36 minute game (I swear, the one kid must have gone 1 for 50). My kid, at most, saw the court for 14 minutes and wasn’t the only one short changed. I can understand the difficulties of trying to make sure every kids gets an equal chance to play, but the disparity was so wide, it was extremely frustrating. Sure it’s the first game and it’s not a pattern yet, but I feel compelled to say something to the coach, strictly in terms of playing time. I’m not that concerned about style of play (he could encourage more passing), just about time on the court. What do you all think?

I think unless the coach is abusing his kids you should be quiet.

There's nothing worse in sports in my opinion than parents of Little Leaguers who feel like it's their right to intefere and make a-holes of themselves and furthermore,,,,embarrass their children.

coach your son on talking to the coach when he has built a case for himself.

A few thoughts.

1. I think the a-hole father thing is a bit of an exaggeration. Parents are expected to care about their kids and use their influence to improve their status. Being involved in their life is not being an a-hole, whether it be school, sports, church, dance, employment, etc.

2. "Play politics". As a youth I used to play victim to the politics in sports thing and complain about how this other kid's dad is friends with the coach or gives money to the program, whatever. As an adult I realize this is how the world is run. Playing politics and forming alliances is part of the game of life. Who you know is as important as what you know. Go ahead and play politics and teach your kids it's usually better to be part of the system than fight it. Schmooze your kids' coaches. Make friends with the power brokers rather than try to compete with them. In a situation like that, you might do better hanging out at practice, offering to help out as an assistant, do your BRT'ing with the guy before you do anything else.

3. Squeaky wheel gets the grease. A coach usually knows when things aren't equitable. He already knows the parents are pissed. He probably expects calls or emails from parents. As a coach, sometimes I would play a kid more than another kid just because I knew the one kid's parents would bitch and the other one would fade in the background.

I would probably recommend waiting longer to get more data points, and in the mean time get involved as much as you can and BRT with the coach, and be ready to tactfully with no emotion have a discussion with him on playing time philosophy when the time comes. Then if it's not working and you feel like it's important, I'd turn up the heat.

I have my kids' teachers, coaches, church leaders, etc. on speed dial and constantly intervene. And despite playing an a-hole on the internet frequently, I'm known as a good guy to these people, I promise.

and now you guys know why I don't coach.

If you ever want your kids to get a fair shake in most sports, you have to step up and coach, or at least help coach. It's the reason I've been coaching little league baseball and football for 8 years. I can also say that most guys that coach really don't want to hear any bitching from parents that do nothing but sit on the sideline all year (not saying that's what you do). Offer to help with the team, make sure the coach knows that you're watching what's going on, and he'll get your kid in the game.

I was going to suggest this as well. Volunteer to be an assistant. Your son will get his fair share of time in that case.

That's a tough call. Two weeks ago I didn't play one of my younger girls in the second half of a game (we were playing for first place in the league). She ended up quiting the team. She has had plenty of playing time all year and I promised her that she would see tons of playing time the next week (two games against easy teams). No dice. She is done.

Coaches put up with more shit from parents than they deserve.

The older a kid gets the more the score begins to matter and the more winning begins to matter and most parents think their kid is the one getting the shaft.

There are times where a parent just needs to be told the truth that "your kid isn't playing as much because he/she hasn't earned or isn't good enough to be."

It's also a good opportunity to teach a kid a valuable lesson about supporting a team no matter what your role is. There will always be a kid or more that gets their feelings hurt and the parent who thinks it's their responsibility to take up their own kids cause. It's not easy and I feel bad for them, but it's an inevitable part of choosing to participate in a competitive environment.

Usually the solution is simple: Your kid isn't out there because they aren't good enough. They don't like hearing that, but the fact is sometimes the truth hurts.

I wouldn't feel too bad. This is competitive ball, right, not city? Big difference, IMHO. Also the age is much older than 8, right?

At 8 years old, city league, you're a jerk if you don't play everyone half the game. The older they get and more competitive the league, the more it changes.

Just curious, what are your city league fees? Ours in Utah are $30-$40 for a season for sports like soccer, bb, flag football.

Perhaps, but in this case we're talking about a city league for 8-year-olds geared towards participation. We went through the same thing in soccer where my kid dominated, but sat out his requisit time. We'll be bumping him up to a competitive league next year where my expectations will be much different.

This coach's stated objectives were about "having fun, not winning." I'm cutting him slack, first game and all. I'm just wondering when is the right time to note that my kid saw the floor for 14 mintues while others saw if the 30. I'll probably give it a little more time, but Jay is right, the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

I'm not going to give the coach any shit unless he deserves it. I think I can be a pretty good judge of that.

I think $135 per kid per sport. Quite a bit to watch your kid sit on the bench.

I agree at a younger age that the emphasis should be on enjoying themselves and participation. Starting on fundamentals early is of most import regardless of playing time.

That's why I noted that the older they get that winning gets more important.

What exactly denotes "Giving a coach shit if he deserves it?" What you think is not enough playing time? The only time I think it's appropriate for a parent to intervene is if a coach is being abusive.

I stand by my decision to play for the win in that game. It is an AAU league, not Jr. Jazz. 11-12 year olds. Frankly, I was stunned by what happened. This girl has older siblings who are star athletes (brother and sister both have both accepted scholie offers from BYU). Perhaps she was embarrassed. I like her and her family, so it is awkward.

When I coached Jr. Jazz I would have them sit on the bench in order and I would rotate them in systematically. You do that in AAU and you get your lunch eaten. Kids like to win, too.

The worst part is that I am having a tough time finding a replacement player.

You stuck it to her, she has the right to stick it to you.

Fair play in my book.

Yep.

This is a girl that will probably do well. She'll stand up for herself.

Either that or she will be a quitter and a loser.

This would've been my suggestion as well. Good call, Runner.

Getting involved in some way and showing the coach you're not the enemy is usually the best way to ease that sometimes uncomfortable coach-parent friction.

I say this from a coach's perspective, so don't take this personally, because I tell this to all the parents of the kids that I've coached over the years:

"If you can't or are not willing to take the time to coach, please keep your comments to yourself. I take time out of my schedule to coach your kids, so my decisions are final."

Now, know that I do make sure the kids at a younger age get equal playing time, because the point at that age (8 or so) is to learn how to play the sport the right way. It's more about learning the game and having fun. As they get older, I play the kids who are better more than the others because winning has more emphasis then.

Another thing to consider is once you cross that "asshole parent" line, you'll be mentally marked as an asshole by all the coaches and they'll do everything in their power to not have your kid(s) on the team.

My suggestion is for you is to get some white overalls and grow your hair out. Then have some photos taken of you standing on a cliff somewhere.

as for this situation just ask the coach what you can work on with your son so he can play more. If that doesn't work be an asshole. $140 is way too much to pay to have your kid ride the pine at 8 years old

I don't care what your brothers say, you're a funny guy.

myboynoah, I don't think you should change who you are just because your kids play rec league hoops.

So Rocky can substitute Noah for his favorite term of endearment?

Not Noah, but Noah's dad.

Yeah, well the jerk store called and said that it's all out of both of you.

Arch and I are in high demand around the holidays. Assholes, in the figurative sense, are wanted by nobody.

I defer to your obvious expertise and considerable experience.

Yohio is much funnier than I could ever hope to be. My ceiling is maybe Triplet Daddy

hell, exute hits his head on the ceiling everyday.

Your kid can learn a lot from situations like this. When I was growing up baseball was my sport, I was on the All-star team every year, and even played on a team that went to the regionals for the Little League World Series. But when I was 12, I was drafted by a team and my dad was my coaches boss. The first two games I started both games, played every inning, hit 2 homeruns, and was having a great season. Then my coach was laid off from work. The Owners forced my dad to pick the employees he would keep so he went strictly by tenure unless they were an exceptional employee and my coach didnt make the cut.

So the next game I show up and I am not starting, I played the minimum 2 innings had my one at bat and sat the rest of the time. I was absolutely pissed, but thought I would give it another shot, the next game same thing. I went home and told my dad I was going to quit and what a jerk my coach was, my dad told me that no way would he let me quit and that I would just have to suck it up. This really pissed me off but it was the best thing he could have done for me. He told me if all I did was play 2 innings the whole season then thats all I would do but I would support my teammates.

Begrudgingly I did as I was told, and I decided to make the most of the situation, I supported my teammates, I cheered loud, I was the first off the bench to celebrate after big hits, the season turned out to be ok. I never really got off the bench that year, but I did win the leagues sportsmanship award which my dad was more proud of me winning than any award I had ever won.

I also was still selected to the allstar game that year eventhough I hardly played. It was a tough lesson for a 12 year old to learn but a valuable one.

An update.

I went to practice last week instead of my wife and chatted up the coach a bit. My kid's minutes in last night's game went up significantly.