Well in Germany, they yell, "Hey Fuck You Yankee, Go home, Frank Zappa!"

Technically speaking, you could say "boku wa enpitsu desu" in response to a question as to whether or not you'd like a pen or a pencil. The particle "wa" indicates an "as for" type of feeling (i.e., "as for me, I'd like a pencil" is a perfectly appropriate translation depending on your context). But don't get me started here. I know FAR too much about this kind of stuff and am actually one of the few people I know who not only knows when to use wa versus ga but actually knows why.

I like this stuff so remind a simpleton when to distinguish between wa and ga, the emphatic subject as I understand it.

Domo Arigato, Mr. Nikuman-o

(Sorry. I took Latin. It's all I got.)

Well, you've opened a can of worms there....

With the disclaimer that I'm quite rusty on the book-learnin' behind this, there's about 10 or so uses of wa/ga that are discrete. Ga is used as an object marker instead of wo with certain verbs/descriptive verbs (notably dekiru) (zo wa hana ga nagai, lit. "as for the elephant, [his] nose is long" or, as I would translate it, "elephants have long noses"). Ga is also used when indicating that the stated subject is exclusively doing X (boku ga iku, indicating that only I will go). Ga is also used as a marker for the affected party in a passive/affective setting (boku ga haha ni shinareta). In addition, ga should replace wa in all subordinate clauses.

Wa, on the other hand, can usually be consider a particle that designates an "as for X" sort of idea (see the elephant sentence above). It is also used to emphasize the noun which it follows in order to contrast it to other nouns not used (i.e., boku wa iku can be translated as "I will go [but I make no claim as to you]". Which makes sense in the "as for X" explaination.

There are a few more rules that I've forgotten but still (presumably) use in speech. I'll have to consult my old college notes to remember them all.

i just learned enough japanese to get by. i have no idea when to use wa and ga. i thought i heard that wa was when the subject was living, ga otherwise, but that was just some other dorky gaijin.

watakushi no nekko wa/ga jitensha desu.

i made up a joke when i was there:

boku no ha wa nan sai desu ka? (How old are my teeth)
ni-ju sai (twenty)
Questioned looks from the natives.
hatachi [rim shot]

tachi is plural, so ha-tachi, plural teeth.
hatachi also means twenty. completely different kanji.
most of the younger kids at church got it, but the grownups would try and correct me. No, it's a different kanji, then they'd start writting it down to show me.

Welcome, Nikuman. Your username is making me hungry.

Arch, my parents called my brother "boku" as a nickname growing up, you only use it if you're a boy.

aye, yi, yi.
when i heard a wa/ga, i knew what they were saying.
if i messed it up, they knew what i meant.
good enough for me.
were you a japanese major?

As I am self-taught, any helpers I can get I appreciate.

There's a set of verbs for animate/inanimate objects (not really that simple), so that's probably where the dorky gaijin (is there any other kind?) got it from.