Verses that are never read over the pulpit
 

A few to get us started:

Deuteronomy 23:1 No one whose testicles are crushed or whose penis is cut off shall be admitted to the assembly of the Lord.

Deuteronomy 25: 11-12 11 If men get into a fight with one another, and the wife of one intervenes to rescue her husband from the grip of his opponent by reaching out and seizing his genitals, 12 you shall cut off her hand; show no pity.

Ezekiel 16:16-17:16 You took some of your garments, and made for yourself colorful shrines, and on them played the whore; nothing like this has ever been or ever shall be. 17 You also took your beautiful jewels of my gold and my silver that I had given you, and made for yourself male images, and with them played the whore;

Mark 14:51-52: 51 A certain young man was following him, wearing nothing but a linen cloth. They caught hold of him, 52 but he left the linen cloth and ran off naked.

For the record, if I'm getting the bad end of it from some guy in a fight, Deut. 25:12 will not apply.

Genesis 19:30-36:

19:30 And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.

19:31 And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

19:32 Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

19:33 And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

19:34 And it came to pass on the morrow, that the firstborn said unto the younger, Behold, I lay yesternight with my father: let us make him drink wine this night also; and go thou in, and lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

19:35 And they made their father drink wine that night also: and the younger arose, and lay with him; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

19:36 Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

1st Kings 21: 20-22:

20 And Ahab said to Elijah, Hast thou found me, O mine enemy? And he answered, I have found thee: because thou hast sold thyself to work evil in the sight of the LORD.

21 Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, and will take away thy posterity, and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall, and him that is shut up and left in Israel,

22 And will make thine house like the house of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, and like the house of Baasha the son of Ahijah, for the provocation wherewith thou hast provoked me to anger, and made Israel to sin.

Not to mention the bit with Onan which is every missionary's favorite story to read with his pals and laugh.

sorry for the graphic nature of this question but serious question: is onanism equal to masturbation or would it also include "pulling out"?

Onanism is not equivalent to masturbation. Onan was violating the rules of his levirate marriage, which required him to raise seed to his brother (and through his deceased brother's wife).

I'm glad my brethren have all raised their own seed.

I didn't read this over the pulpit, but I talked about this verse extensively in gospel doctrine last year in the lesson that covers Isaiah 56. In that part of trito-Isaiah we actually see a call or an exhortation to relax this prohibition:

Isaiah 56: 3-5

We probably had a 15 minute discussion of this passage along with verses 6-8 (Yes, we did read Deut 23:1-4). Does that count?

It's impressive, that's for sure. Did you use the KJV? It's a little more...(ahem)...polite in its word choice.

Yep, I used the KJV, and your right it uses the phrase, "privy member cut off." However, we read all the way to verse 4, and verse 2 in the KJV version uses "Bastard" and the NRSV uses "born of an illicit union." I had Mrs. Pelagius read the passage so I could hear her swear in church.

Another good one is 2 Kings 2:23:24

23 ¶ And he went up from thence unto Beth-el: and as he was going up by the way, there came forth little children out of the city, and mocked him, and said unto him, Go up, thou bald head; go up, thou bald head.
24 And he turned back, and looked on them, and cursed them in the name of the LORD. And there came forth two she bears out of the wood, and tare forty and two children of them.