Addiction, Divorce and The Church...
 

Just curious to get ideas and thoughts from you guys...

What is your thought on a spouse that is an addict (alcohol, painkillers, meth, whatever..and all that goes with being an addict.. lying, stealing, legal probs, etc..) and how that may impact a decision for divorce.

Factoring into your decision, the teachings of The Church and any Temple covenants.

Can a person feel love and support from The Church and divorce the spouse all at the same time?

Great question, from the few data points I have on this issue, I feel the church has actually swung quite a bit on this issue.

More of then than not, it's the husband with the vices, be it drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, anger, etc. I think the women's movement hurt the church in a negative way on this. My observation is that bishops and church leaders maybe are too harsh on the sinning husband and too protective of the wife.

I've heard of several instances where women were encouraged to leave their husband over certain problems like this. I think we too easily go to the card of "he broke the marriage covenant through disobedience so she isn't bound to the covenant any more".

My personal opinion is that couples should try to fight harder through these issues than what I've heard bishops and church leaders counsel on some occasions.

If my wife were an addict, and didn't immediately go into treatment and get clean, etc., I would be tempted to get divorced to protect the children.


There but for the grace of God go I.

I am slow to give advice on these matters, because no matter which advice you give, you will be seen as a bad guy by somebody.

From what I've seen, people need to repent. And sometimes people's repentance includes divorce. Sometimes the nonsinning partner can tough it out for the better of the two.

If a divorce is to arise, it would seem for it to be after everything and I mean everything is done to save it, or early on, if mortal mistakes were made before children come.

Once they come commitments should increase.

People often advise partners in unstable relationships, "you deserve happiness," and maybe that's so. But are there other obligations? What if the nonsinning partner is the only chance the other partner would ever have of salvation? Would you feel awful, if you were the person who quit one day, one week, one month or one year too early, just to preserve your own chance at happiness?

These are difficult question without clear guidelines.

This illustrates my point perfectly!

How long does a person 'try' to help (knownig the addict is not fully wanting help... they still want to fix it on their own and hope nobody finds out...) ? 1 year? 3? (or in my case.. 8!)

If you haven't guessed, this is about my wife and I.. she is the addict, I am the co-dependant. I could write volumes on this, but at current I am struggling with the decision of divorce. I am not happy where I am, nor do I see any light at the end of any tunnel. Add to that the feelings of guilt if I go thru with a divorce (her well being.. her depression, etc...).

Anyways, it's a very difficult situation to be in. It's easy to say "If I were...." but much harder to work thru. Trying to get over her past, forgive, forget, yada yada yada.. somedays it's too much to bear (today must be one of those days...)

Sorry, rant over now. Any other suggestions, advice or feelings are more than welcome.

I'm really sorry to hear about this, it's a horrible situation that you are in. I think 8 years is more than long enough to have waited for her to fix it by herself and if she is not willing to go into some type of rehab program, I think you owe it to yoursself to move on. Do you have any kids? Some people might stay in these type of situations for their kids, but when it comes to something like this, I think you have a responsibility to your children to protect them from this sort of thing as it can't be good for them to be raised by a parent with these types of addictions. I know that you must be scared that if you do divorce her, she will spiral even further out of control, but there comes a point where you have done everything you can and you must move on. May The Lord bless you in whatever path you choose.

Rod,

I'm sorry to learn about your situation. Divorce isn't the end of the world, and if a relationship is only a source for pain, then maybe you should let go.

I suppose I would ask this question... is the 'addiction,' whatever it is, REALLY destructive? Or does it only seem to be when seen through the lens of the church, or whatever primarily defines your own sense of moral propriety? As an example of what I am getting at, l refer to my own alcoholic grandfather. The drink ultimately took his life, when he began to drink himself to death after the death of his wife. It was very sad and self-destructive, but I will tell you this -- he was a good man and a loving grandfather and a loving husband. We would often smell alcohol on his breath, but he was never a real danger to any of us. The world is full of plenty of highly productive and decent people who are also addicts of one sort or another. The church places so much emphasis on avoiding addiction that when a loved one succumbs to some weakness, the disappointment can feel artificially magnified. I think realizing this can help in situations where the problems of addiction do not physically endanger children and yourself.

If, however, what you are talking about is REAL danger for yourself or children, you owe it to everyone (especially kids) to distance yourselves from the danger. Just make sure it is real danger. I suppose my grandmother could have left my grandfather because 'what if there was an accident, and he was drunk, and couldn't drive the kids to safety?' Anyone can invent a sense of real imperilment from any addiction. Had my grandmother done that, I would have missed out on the love and affection of a really good man.

Good luck and God bless.

R.

My opinion, and mine only....

If the addiction is not an illegal substance, does not cause your family physical danger, (drunk driving), and the financial strain is the strain caused by buying the substance, that is not a reason for divorce.

If the person is pursuing illegal substances, is putting your family in danger by involving him/herself in dark circles, is lying, stealing, from your kids mouths to feed their addictions, I would seek professional help. (I would not seek help from the church)

If the person does not quit and continues with their choices I would leave without looking back. You and your children deserve ultimate happiness, and while happiness has its expense, it is not worth years of worry and stress.

Covenants, promises, etc, would be the last thing on my mind. If you pursue the ends with your means current with love I believe, in this life, or the next, the Lord will bless you and yours.

Sorry to hear that.

In my experience, addition often masks other issues (i.e. depression, career stress, family issues, etc.) and even if an addict stops using for a time, they will *always* go back, unless they address the underlying issues. It is not easy. If behaviors have become ingrained and are being used as a crutch, it will take a long time to let them go.

If she has not already seen a professional, whether you stay married or not, she needs to see one. Not someone in the Church social services, but someone who specializes in addition. Don’t have them just go to AA or whatever - it’s a joke on its own.

Seek professional help for yourself. You’ll need it too. Seriously. No matter what happens in your relationship, go see someone for yourself. It will help.

You have to try and show her reality. Don’t let her exist in denial – it not only clouds her from her problem, but by not facing reality, her state denies her from progressing as a human being and child of God. When faced with reality, she will have to chose, you cannot do it for her.

Man, this feels lame to try and answer on a board. But get some help, don't try and do it all on your own, if it is something you want to save.

So my quick question for the day.. ( I will spend today and most of the weekend going over this.. )

Will the spouse of the addict be looked down upon (in all of its forms..) for deceiding to divorce even though the addict is 'recovering' (meaning the addict is not using, going to a meeting here and there, working with a therapist now and then).

- Rod