[All-American]

Lingo, you're right. We have been keeping secrets in the crypt. Terrible, terrible secrets. My oaths of secrecy cannot hold back the weight of my guilty conscience any more. I apologize to my brethren of the crypt, whose confidence in me I am now compelled to destroy, but the truth must be told.

Il Padrino Ute has been implicated in a scandal involving the mutilation of corpses post mortem, apparently in an effort to jump-start a career in his true passion of plastic surgery.

myboynoah is a migrant, traveling to world famous sites and getting his picture taken in a pair of white painter overalls. His objective is to prove to the world that the 70's are alive and well.

The "Triplets" of whom he is a Daddy aren't bringing in the quam quite like they used to, increasing the unfortunate likelihood that TripletDaddy is gonna have to choke a bitch.

TheSizzle is a 5'6" black man named Tyrone Biggums, searching desperately for his next fix. He is apparently in cahoots with Cougjunkie, whose name is far more literal than we had ever previously supposed.

Mike is beginning a plan to stage a coup and take over Cougarboard. The pieces are in place, and he is ready to strike; he waits only for the imminent assassination of El Jefe. He has bungled up this task quite grievously by assigning it to Archaea. Arch is more than qualified as an assassin for hire-- his incredible strength and stamina have made him an excellent choice for pest control of all varieties in the past. However, his connection with the Kennedy assassination is finally beginning to catch up with him and he's been forced to lie low for some time until the wire taps are removed.

Robin and Mike have made up. In fact, Robin is now a frequent poster in the crypt, delighting us to no end with his sage and insightful analysis of the Cougar football team in the off season.

Finally, I am pondering the potential political benefits of marrying into the family of a general authority, and thus worming my way onto the cursus honorum and into positions of true power, whence I can finally vanquish my foes. This has proven especially disconcerting to SeattleUte, whose new position as President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints has made it especially difficult to maintain the persona of an apostate lawyer living in the northwest.

I'm sorry, guys. Somebody had to say it.