[Archaea]

phattcoug:

"I hesitated to make any comments regarding the divorce discussions of a few days ago, but the more I've thought about it, perhaps I can shed some light on a very stigmatized group within the LDS culture.

Next week will be my 28th wedding anniversary. Or perhaps I should say "would have been" my anniversary. I got divorced a month ago. It was not fun, not something I wanted, but something that needed to happen. My ex and I have 6 kids - 3 older, grown children, and 3 younger - ages 10, 12 & 14. The one thing that my ex and I are proud of is how we raised our children - we feel good about what & how we taught them as a team, and have committed to remaining involved, positive influences in their lives, regardless of custody concerns.

What went wrong, you may wonder? A combination of things. In every marriage, there are issues. Ours was no different. We tolerated each other's faults for a long time, but never really worked on improving ourselves & our relationship. My wife was never willing to go to any kind of counseling - either on her own or with me. She said there were things I needed to improve about the way I treated her, but without her involved in counselling to help me figure out what I needed to change, I don't think I would have been able to figure that out on my own. I did do some counseling myself, and felt like I had taken some steps in the right direction, but could only go so far on my own.

I don't want to play the blame game - suffice it to say that we allowed molehills to become insurmountable mountains. I am certain we could have salvaged our marriage and kept our relationship intact if we would have gone through counseling together. I HIGHLY recommend this if there are issues between a couple - do not let these issues become overwhelming! Joint counseling can become a very positive nurturing experience, but both partners have to commit to it.

Now as we go at it alone, we both face dilemnas as active LDS members. She faces the hardship of trying to manage a household and raise children alone. She's very shy and insecure, and will have difficulty fitting in to a new ward as a single mom. She avoids attention, but will be supportive of the kids and their activities. I pray people will approach her and befriend her and welcome her into friendships.

As for me, there's an added stigma. The typical reaction to a divorce is that it is the guy's fault. People wonder "what's wrong with him?" It's not a fun thing going to church alone as a single man, and feel like everyone is staring and passing judgement.

Anyway, I have a newfound empathy for single folks out there. And let me reiterate this advice to anyone going through some rough times in their relationships - GET COUNSELING!!! Here are my 2 cents worth of counsel:
1. Serve your spouse - do something for them without being asked to do so EVERY DAY. Hopefully your spouse will reciprocate.
2. Express gratitude to your spouse for something EVERY DAY. Hopefully your spouse reciprocate this as well.

And some suggestions to everyone for dealing with divorced adults - don't judge us. Sometimes divorce just happens. Most divorcees are going to feel a little shy and insecure around others - please welcome us and include us. Typically we're going to be lonelier than most, and we could use some new friends!

OK - I'm done now. Back to football."