El Chavo's essay

[MikeWaters]

I've asked Chavo to get us a resume, so we have a better idea of the sorts of things he should (or should not) be emphasizing --MW

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I am applying to the business information systems masters program at Utah State. Feel free to post it on your site. --El Chavo

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Write a 500-1000-word statement of your specific reasons for wanting to attend graduate school. Describe your experience and qualifications for advanced study.

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My desires for attending graduate school are twofold: to continue my lifelong goal of education and to make myself more valuable in a competitive marketplace.

Two of the great loves in my life are education and technology. Education has been the basis of all great societies and technology has been the driving force that has led this country to new frontiers in terms of efficiency and production. I have always been fascinated by the changing face of technology and how it revolutionizes the way we work and live.

Several years ago I discovered that our newly purchased family computer (that would now better serve as a paperweight) had a modem. It was fascinating to me that I could connect to other computers and share information with people anywhere in the world as long as they were connected to a phone line. The capability of computers to connect people and share information enthralled me. I knew that while the technology was raw and limited, this was the direction of the future.

My fascination with technology continued during my studies at BYU. Though I graduated with a degree in finance, I was able to take courses from the information systems department including Java programming, systems design, and database management. The knowledge gained in those classes has served me well as I have entered the workforce. As an employee in the finance department of Nutraceutical Corporation, I have had opportunities to put technology to work for the benefit of my company. In my involvement in the manufacturing process, I have used visual basic coding to automate the production order review procedure so that what had taken hours to complete now only takes minutes. In addition, I have used databases to track massive amounts of data that has been critical for use by management to make decisions regarding inventory and sales.

We live in a world that is in constant change and the way we do things is constantly being reevaluated and reformed. We must be willing to learn and adapt to stay competitive in our respective work environments. In no other profession is this truer than in information technology. While I have already learned a great deal through my studies and work experience, I realize that it is only the tip of the iceberg in regards to information technology and what it can do for organizations in the business world.

Abraham Lincoln said, “Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe”. In all ventures that I have taken in life, I have tried to put into practice the wisdom taught in this quote by Lincoln. Preparation is critical for success and without it failure will most certainly follow. Because of the reputation of Utah State University and its excellence in graduate studies, my goal is to be able to continue my studies and hone my skills in this program that I may be a more productive member of society, a more valuable resource to all organizations in which I contribute, and a better provider for my family.

[outlier]

It's competently written, but it also comes across as VERY safe. There's nothing in it that would ever stand out. Inasmuch as they're testing to see if he can communicate effectively, he's golden. Inasmuch as this is an opportunity for him to show why HE is a better applicant than all the others whose submissions are in the pile, it's kind of an opportunity wasted.

But OTOH, how competitive can it be to get into USU's grad programs?

o

[tooblue]

I'd agree with Outliers assessment, it is an opportunity lost to stand out, even just a little.

He mentions that he automated something or other through coding etc., be specific, tell them a detailed story about that experience. Be careful not to boast, be honest and direct … I used code and technology to achieve the following objectives (clearly outline the objectives); my solution automated processes, saved money, and demonstrates I am resourceful, creative and innovative. Replace the modem nostalgia story with this new story … a good segue into this new story may be the Lincoln quote and subsequent paragraph.

Good luck!

[ute4ever]

I agree with Outlier. His essay is very safe. It will be tossed in the middle of the pile, and he will have to rely on GPA and test scores to put him over the top.

Originally Posted by El Chavo

...to continue my lifelong goal of education

That statement is overdone. I bet it's on half of the essays.

Originally Posted by El Chavo

Two of the great loves in my life are education and technology.... in terms of efficiency and production.

True, but they want to hear about you.

Originally Posted by El Chavo

Several years ago I discovered...this was the direction of the future.

True, but they already know this. You don't need to convince them that you understand what the program is about. Tell them something about your experience with technology that puts you on the cutting edge. Something you have done that few others have.

Originally Posted by El Chavo

I was able to take courses....
I have used visual basic coding....
I have used databases....

I have to claim ignorance here. I don't know if these things are commonplace or not. Regardless, you have explained why you feel competant in the field of study, I assume that is so admissions will feel you are ready for the program. However, every applicant will demonstrate competance. So why should they choose you?

Originally Posted by El Chavo

We live in a world that is in constant change and the way we do things is constantly being reevaluated and reformed.

Better yet, show this with an example of how you have changed along with it.

Originally Posted by El Chavo

In all ventures that I have taken in life, I have tried to put into practice the wisdom taught in this quote by Lincoln.

Example?
Also, I would change all ventures to many ventures.

Originally Posted by El Chavo

my goal is to be able to continue my studies and...

Better yet, show confidence. I will continue my studies and...

[SoCalCoug]

You need to grab them with the first paragraph. You kind of ease into it here. I might even consider replacing the first paragraph with a simple, "I love technology."

You might even go right into the anecdote about your old computer from there. Maybe spice it up (I don't mean by making references to the new world of online pornography it opened up. :lol: )

I would go through it, sentence-by-sentence and see how many extraneous words you can take out of it - say things in the most simple way you can.

Other comments:

I knew that while the technology was raw and limited, this was the direction of the future.

Did this lead you to do anything specific? How did you incorporate the new technology into your life? This might may be the place to let your inner geekness shine.

I love the Lincoln quote. In fact, I used my favorite Lincoln quote in an appellate brief recently ("You can call a horse a cow if you want to, but it's still a horse.")

I think it's well-written. A little polishing will help it stand out.

However, I would give precedence to outlier and ute4ever over anything I've said.

[Archaea]

I agree with the comments already posted.

The application is standard, stock stuff with nothing worthy of remembering. In El Chavo's defense, these applications are difficult to write. Why should anybody care?

Rewrite the first paragraph, make something that stands out and move forward.

[MikeWaters]

moved the thread here so that more people can offer input. I don't believe that El Chavo really minds. He just wants help.

[bluegoose]

Good comments already written. The general tone for me was that it was well written by an obviously competent person.

I agree with the statements about the generic ideals that are listed in the first couple of paragraphs. Every essay that they receive will have a statement about lifelong learning and a love of technology.

I was not especially moved with the story about the old modem discovery. While it may be true that it was an important event in your discovery of technology, I think that your story involving database management could have a more powerful impact on the essay than it does. Definitely expand on this idea (assuming there is more to the story than that which was already shared). Without sounding too arrogant or Al Gore-ish, make it more clear to your audience that your specific contribution to the project streamlined and improved the way that the company was able to analyze and manage data.

Consider making the essay more specific to your audience. Why USU, aside from it's "good reputation"? A little research into the department and/or some projects currently underway could go a long way into impressing the review committee. Do you have any vision for what you could accomplish through participation in their program, aside from making yourself more marketable for the future?

You may also want to reconsider the last statement about being a better provider for your family. While it does convey the fact that you have good ideals and family values, I don't know that this adds much to your essay.

This is a nice start and I think it has much promise to make into a solid essay. Take this feedback for what its worth, which is not a whole lot.

[il Padrino Ute]

Originally Posted by outlier

But OTOH, how competitive can it be to get into USU's grad programs?

o

Actually, USU has an outstanding graduate program in this particular field. I'm assuming that was meant TIC, as I'd hate to have to point out BYU arrogance. ;P

[SoCalCoug]

Actually, USU has an outstanding graduate program in this particular field. I'm assuming that was meant TIC, as I'd hate to have to point out BYU arrogance. ;P

Considering it's USU, you may want to throw in there somewhere the fact that a good dairy cow should have, like, four nipples.