The First Annual Guardy Awards

[Requiem]

Stunning a packed Orem High Auditorium, co-hosts Ellen Degeneres and Goatnapper kicked off the first annual Guardy Awards with their interpretive dance tribute to “Mutts with Boobs”. The star studded audience wept with joy as Ellen and Goat collapsed into each other’s loving embrace.

The winners:

Ernest L. Wilkinson Memorial Award: BYU71 for his zealous defense of the honor code.

Newcomer of the Year: Mrs. Funk for her dignity and grace under fire.

Mullah Of all Mullahs (MOM): Tex

Poster of the Year: Archaea for his creativity and variety

Asshole of the Year: Rocky Balboa for his obsession with the word

Joseph F. Smith Origins of Man Award: TooBlue for his scholarly work on the evils of evolution

Women of the Year: (Tie) Barbara Gordon, Farrah Waters, SIRS and Marsupial

Best Apostate Impersonation: SeattleUte

Scholar of the Year: Solon

The Real Nobel Peace Prize: Creekster

Best Avatars: cougjunkie

Poster We Would Like to Hear More Often: ChapelHillCoug

Courage Under Fire: (Tie) Jay Santos and Woot

Eliza R. Snow Defender of the Faith Award: IndyCoug (no other nominees)

Best Director: Mike Waters for creating us all