Mike Water's guide to finding the right girl

[MikeWaters]

It's very simple. If you follow these rules, I promise you, that you will not fail.

She must have long hair. By long hair, I mean not short hair. But by long hair, I do not mean hair to the waist. That's way too long.

She must, at times, put her hair into a ponytail. Absolute requirement. This must be done of her own free will, not you suggesting that she do it. If the first time you see her, she has a ponytail, that's a bonus. However, if she almost always has a ponytail, get the hell out. Immediately.

She must be pretty. But not too pretty. What is pretty? Pretty is when you see a girl and you think, "She's pretty." Pretty is not stunningly beautiful as in you cannot remove your eyes. You find yourself wanting to linger, but you are not captivated. Trust me on this.

She must be smart. But not too smart. Smart as in solid. Functional. Occasionally even interesting. Too smart is a problem. Not smart enough is a problem. She needs to be smart enough to surprise you from time to time, set you back on your heels. But not smart enough that she figures out how dumb you are.

She must walk well. Every person has their own kind of walk. Some are good, some are bad. You can learn a lot about someone from how they walk. The walk never lies. That's why we have the phrase "walks the walk." Some people think that phrase has to do with living with integrity. Wrong. It's actually about the walk. The actual walk. If you do not know what a good walk is, God help you. You are screwed.

She must drive well. The way she possesses the car, sits in the seat, holds the wheel, takes in the road, plans her route, adapts on the fly, responds to pressure. But watch out if she drives too well. She will hate you for that. Every woman who has been a better driver than her husband has ended up divorcing those husbands. Proven statistic. Think about it. See? I am right.

She must smile. But not too much. And certainly not too little. If you almost never seen her smile, dump her immediately. If she doesn't smile when she sees you, dump her. She will learn to hate you enough later, you need some cushion before marriage. If she smiles too much, you will learn to hate that smile. Because everything will be a smile. And there is nothing worse than being mad at a smile.

She must smell good. And yes, there is such thing as smelling too good. You cannot trust a woman who smells too good. But a woman who does not smell good enough, beware. The nose never lies. Your eyes and ears may deceive you, but never your nose.

And finally, one last thing. Perhaps the most important. Farting. She must be ok with you farting around her. If a woman becomes disgusted, dump her. But conversely, if you EVER hear her fart, or smell a fart from her, dump her. If she tolerates your farts, jokes about them, or maybe just smiles--and you cast your mind back and think, I've never heard her fart, even once, even when we ate Mexican 4 nights in a row--that is hugely promising for a wonderful marriage. You may not understand it now, but one day you will.

[ute4ever]

What did you do to end up in the doghouse this time?

[Archaea]

Originally Posted by MikeWaters

It's very simple. If you follow these rules, I promise you, that you will not fail.

She must have long hair. By long hair, I mean not short hair. But by long hair, I do not mean hair to the waist. That's way too long.

She must, at times, put her hair into a ponytail. Absolute requirement. This must be done of her own free will, not you suggesting that she do it. If the first time you see her, she has a ponytail, that's a bonus. However, if she almost always has a ponytail, get the hell out. Immediately.

She must be pretty. But not too pretty. What is pretty? Pretty is when you see a girl and you think, "She's pretty." Pretty is not stunningly beautiful as in you cannot remove your eyes. You find yourself wanting to linger, but you are not captivated. Trust me on this.

She must be smart. But not too smart. Smart as in solid. Functional. Occasionally even interesting. Too smart is a problem. Not smart enough is a problem. She needs to be smart enough to surprise you from time to time, set you back on your heels. But not smart enough that she figures out how dumb you are.

She must walk well. Every person has their own kind of walk. Some are good, some are bad. You can learn a lot about someone from how they walk. The walk never lies. That's why we have the phrase "walks the walk." Some people think that phrase has to do with living with integrity. Wrong. It's actually about the walk. The actual walk. If you do not know what a good walk is, God help you. You are screwed.

She must drive well. The way she possesses the car, sits in the seat, holds the wheel, takes in the road, plans her route, adapts on the fly, responds to pressure. But watch out if she drives too well. She will hate you for that. Every woman who has been a better driver than her husband has ended up divorcing those husbands. Proven statistic. Think about it. See? I am right.

She must smile. But not too much. And certainly not too little. If you almost never seen her smile, dump her immediately. If she doesn't smile when she sees you, dump her. She will learn to hate you enough later, you need some cushion before marriage. If she smiles too much, you will learn to hate that smile. Because everything will be a smile. And there is nothing worse than being mad at a smile.

She must smell good. And yes, there is such thing as smelling too good. You cannot trust a woman who smells too good. But a woman who does not smell good enough, beware. The nose never lies. Your eyes and ears may deceive you, but never your nose.

And finally, one last thing. Perhaps the most important. Farting. She must be ok with you farting around her. If a woman becomes disgusted, dump her. But conversely, if you EVER hear her fart, or smell a fart from her, dump her. If she tolerates your farts, jokes about them, or maybe just smiles--and you cast your mind back and think, I've never heard her fart, even once, even when we ate Mexican 4 nights in a row--that is hugely promising for a wonderful marriage. You may not understand it now, but one day you will.

Farrah, this is TMI.