Need feedback on my writing - cougarguard.com — unofficial BYU Cougars / LDS sports, football, basketball forum and message board

MikeWaters · 11-08-2005, 02:01 PM

I'm thinking about publishing this. Came up with it today. But I think it could use some revision, reworking, workshopping. Please don't steal it and sell it.

man in office
natty blackberry vibrates
the season passes

SoCalCoug · 11-08-2005, 10:14 PM

Can you throw in something about tuna tartar?

MikeWaters · 11-08-2005, 11:14 PM

my revision, based on CG feedback:

New receptionist
Black skirt, thong, and candy jar
Tuna tartar taunts

Parrot Head · 11-08-2005, 11:15 PM

I was going to say that "natty" throws me off because I thought it may have been "nasty" mistyped. But in retrospect, I feel that element of confusion draws me back to work, thus creating a greater amount of mental energy focused towards it. If you had used "nappy," then I would know it's completely out of place and would be annoyed by such poor usage, but... as it stands, sir.

SoCalCoug · 11-09-2005, 12:14 AM

Quote:

New receptionist
Black skirt, thong, and candy jar
Tuna tartar taunts

That was so beautiful it made me teary-eyed.

11-08-2005, 02:01 PM	#1
MikeWaters Demiurge Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 36,365	Need feedback on my writing I'm thinking about publishing this. Came up with it today. But I think it could use some revision, reworking, workshopping. Please don't steal it and sell it. man in office natty blackberry vibrates the season passes

11-08-2005, 10:14 PM	#2
SoCalCoug Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: Orange County, California Posts: 3,059	Can you throw in something about tuna tartar? __________________ Get your stinking paws off me, you damned, dirty Yewt! "Now perhaps as I spanked myself screaming out "Kozlowski, say it like you mean it bitch!" might have been out of line, but such was the mood." - Goatnapper "If you want to fatten a pig up to make the pig MORE delicious, you can feed it almost anything. Seriously. The pig is like the car on Back to the Future. You put in garbage, and out comes something magical!" - Cali Coug

11-08-2005, 11:14 PM	#3
MikeWaters Demiurge Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 36,365	my revision, based on CG feedback: New receptionist Black skirt, thong, and candy jar Tuna tartar taunts

11-08-2005, 11:15 PM	#4
Parrot Head Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 763	I was going to say that "natty" throws me off because I thought it may have been "nasty" mistyped. But in retrospect, I feel that element of confusion draws me back to work, thus creating a greater amount of mental energy focused towards it. If you had used "nappy," then I would know it's completely out of place and would be annoyed by such poor usage, but... as it stands, sir.