Masterbation, Nordicism, and Concubines/Man-whores

[Archaea]

Originally Posted by scottie

Never heard that one before.

Things have become much healthier than in days of yore.

[Goatnapper'96]

Sister Goatnapper could be confused with Mahanna you fertile, but alas my little swimmers would get their ass kicked by not only Requiem's fastpitch softball change up, but by Commie Crimson's fat ass in a 40 yard dash. They just don't get upstream, if ya know what I mean.

Enter our topic. I have. I have in nasty Army hospital latrines. I have in the lush comfort of the "specimen collection room" at the U of U Department of Reproductive Endocronology with Air Supply "Here I am the one that you love" softly wafting over the airwaves. They even have "reading material" in the 3rd floor of the dresser, dirty nasty Utes will use any excuse to push porn on such innocent and unsuspecting mormon boys as myself. I understand that the venerated ColoUte is the chief porn purveyor for that outfit. I did not look, in fact whether or not there is really porn in the third drawer is still a mystery to me. I just thought of Kelly Smith catching that swinger pass from a broken and knobbly kneed Bobby Roscoe, and it was like shazam..viagara eat your heart out..bloodflow extrodinaire.

I never checked with any ecclesiastical leader if it was right. I cannot understand why anyone would think that choking the ol chicken for the purpose of fulfilling the great commandment given to our first parents in Eden would be. In fact it never even crossed my mind that it was wrong. Now perhaps as I spanked myself screaming out "Kozlowski, say it like you mean it bitch!" might have been out of line, but such was the mood.

True story, as if any of my previous crap could possibly be fiction....when I was going through the testing procedure to learn why my little swimmers had the fight of an Iraqi Republican Guard division I was doing the deed in Keller Army Hospital at that garden spot of the world, Fort Polk Lose-ee-anna, I was just about at the moment of truth when in my wicked imaginations of Danny Ainge fingerrolls, Eddie Stinnet halfback passes and Jimmy Mac "Hail Mary's" I must have thought myself Fahu Tahi as I fumbled away the collection cup. I had to assume vice grip procedures while I grunted out "a little help" to the fellar in the next stall. He obliged. 48 hours later the Squadron PA called me to notify me I was what he referred to as a "non-performer."

Even Lance Rice has more respect.

[Jeff Lebowski]

Originally Posted by InVinoVeritas

No list...but you do have to talk to the Bishop and SP prior to getting married in the Temple and therefore prior to having sex. You basically have to have their permission.

And...from my understanding, Bishops and SP often counsel couples on appropriate sexual practices.

We never got that discussion. But I have a friend who did. He asked his future FIL about it. His future FIL (who was a bishop at the time) said, "Oh, that's nonsense. He's out of line. Relax and enjoy yourselves."

[SoCalCoug]

Originally Posted by InVinoVeritas

And...from my understanding, Bishops and SP often counsel couples on appropriate sexual practices.

I've done that twice (married in the temple) - none of my interviews included that sort of counsel.

[jay santos]

Originally Posted by Goatnapper'96

Sister Goatnapper could be confused with Mahanna you fertile, but alas my little swimmers would get their ass kicked by not only Requiem's fastpitch softball change up, but by Commie Crimson's fat ass in a 40 yard dash. They just don't get upstream, if ya know what I mean.

Enter our topic. I have. I have in nasty Army hospital latrines. I have in the lush comfort of the "specimen collection room" at the U of U Department of Reproductive Endocronology with Air Supply "Here I am the one that you love" softly wafting over the airwaves. They even have "reading material" in the 3rd floor of the dresser, dirty nasty Utes will use any excuse to push porn on such innocent and unsuspecting mormon boys as myself. I understand that the venerated ColoUte is the chief porn purveyor for that outfit. I did not look, in fact whether or not there is really porn in the third drawer is still a mystery to me. I just thought of Kelly Smith catching that swinger pass from a broken and knobbly kneed Bobby Roscoe, and it was like shazam..viagara eat your heart out..bloodflow extrodinaire.

I never checked with any ecclesiastical leader if it was right. I cannot understand why anyone would think that choking the ol chicken for the purpose of fulfilling the great commandment given to our first parents in Eden would be. In fact it never even crossed my mind that it was wrong. Now perhaps as I spanked myself screaming out "Kozlowski, say it like you mean it bitch!" might have been out of line, but such was the mood.

True story, as if any of my previous crap could possibly be fiction....when I was going through the testing procedure to learn why my little swimmers had the fight of an Iraqi Republican Guard division I was doing the deed in Keller Army Hospital at that garden spot of the world, Fort Polk Lose-ee-anna, I was just about at the moment of truth when in my wicked imaginations of Danny Ainge fingerrolls, Eddie Stinnet halfback passes and Jimmy Mac "Hail Mary's" I must have thought myself Fahu Tahi as I fumbled away the collection cup. I had to assume vice grip procedures while I grunted out "a little help" to the fellar in the next stall. He obliged. 48 hours later the Squadron PA called me to notify me I was what he referred to as a "non-performer."

Even Lance Rice has more respect.

Thanks, Goat. One of the best ever.

[Goatnapper'96]

Originally Posted by SoCalCoug

I've done that twice (married in the temple) - none of my interviews included that sort of counsel.

Mitt Romney would think polygamists like your are disgusting.

However, since you divulged certain anatomical aspects of your good wife I, personally, do not share Mitt's disparaging opinion of you......

[Jeff Lebowski]

Originally Posted by Goatnapper'96

Sister Goatnapper could be confused with Mahanna you fertile, but alas my little swimmers would get their ass kicked by not only Requiem's fastpitch softball change up, but by Commie Crimson's fat ass in a 40 yard dash. They just don't get upstream, if ya know what I mean.

Enter our topic. I have. I have in nasty Army hospital latrines. I have in the lush comfort of the "specimen collection room" at the U of U Department of Reproductive Endocronology with Air Supply "Here I am the one that you love" softly wafting over the airwaves. They even have "reading material" in the 3rd floor of the dresser, dirty nasty Utes will use any excuse to push porn on such innocent and unsuspecting mormon boys as myself. I understand that the venerated ColoUte is the chief porn purveyor for that outfit. I did not look, in fact whether or not there is really porn in the third drawer is still a mystery to me. I just thought of Kelly Smith catching that swinger pass from a broken and knobbly kneed Bobby Roscoe, and it was like shazam..viagara eat your heart out..bloodflow extrodinaire.

I never checked with any ecclesiastical leader if it was right. I cannot understand why anyone would think that choking the ol chicken for the purpose of fulfilling the great commandment given to our first parents in Eden would be. In fact it never even crossed my mind that it was wrong. Now perhaps as I spanked myself screaming out "Kozlowski, say it like you mean it bitch!" might have been out of line, but such was the mood.

True story, as if any of my previous crap could possibly be fiction....when I was going through the testing procedure to learn why my little swimmers had the fight of an Iraqi Republican Guard division I was doing the deed in Keller Army Hospital at that garden spot of the world, Fort Polk Lose-ee-anna, I was just about at the moment of truth when in my wicked imaginations of Danny Ainge fingerrolls, Eddie Stinnet halfback passes and Jimmy Mac "Hail Mary's" I must have thought myself Fahu Tahi as I fumbled away the collection cup. I had to assume vice grip procedures while I grunted out "a little help" to the fellar in the next stall. He obliged. 48 hours later the Squadron PA called me to notify me I was what he referred to as a "non-performer."

Even Lance Rice has more respect.

Oh my goodness. I am wiping away the tears of laughter. Well done.

[non sequitur]

What the hell is nordicism?

[tooblue]

Originally Posted by Jeff Lebowski

"Oh, that's nonsense. He's out of line. Relax and enjoy yourselves."

Very wise counsel.

[pelagius]

Originally Posted by Jeff Lebowski

We never got that discussion. But I have a friend who did. He asked his future FIL about it. His future FIL (who was a bishop at the time) said, "Oh, that's nonsense. He's out of line. Relax and enjoy yourselves."

Jeff and tooblue are very wise. In fact Quinn highlights the following from a first presidency letter in his timeline at the end of the Mormon Hierarchy: Extensions of Power:

15 Oct 1982 - First Presidency instruction to all stake and mission leaders that many letters from church members "indicate clearly that some local leaders have been delving into private, sensitive matters beyond the scope of what is appropriate.... Also, you should never inquire into personal, intimate matters involving marital relations between a man and his wife." Letter continues that even if a church member volunteers such intimate information, "you should not peruse the matter but should merely suggest that if the member has enough anxiety about the propriety of the conduct to ask about it, the best course would be to discontinue it." In response to widespread complaints from married couples being asked if they have oral sex, this returns First Presidency stance to what it was prior to presidency of Spencer W. Kimball, now incapacitated.