Ah, the joys of Christmas....

[il Padrino Ute]

I'm not sure how Christmas morning went for you folks, but at my house it went something like this:

My wife and I are awoken by the 5 year old girl hollering that her brothers are fighting over unwrapped gifts next to the Christmas tree. We then hear a crash as the tree falls over and knocks a few pictures and frames off the wall.

And so it starts.

With impressive quickness, my wife is out of bed and down the stairs into the living room. The first words I hear from her are not "Is everyone ok?", but "Look what you guys did. Now I'm going to have to clean up the broken glass (from the frames) and broken ornaments. Get your butts upstairs to your room now!"

In her defense, at 6:00 AM, I'm not thinking about the safety of the kids either. And as parents, isn't it our job to remind our kids how much work they are for us so they'll appreciate what we did for them when they are parents?

I get up, walk downstairs and watch my wife clean up the mess.

The boys - who never did get their butts in their room - then start asking which present is whose and my wife tells them not to worry about the presents - and makes it clear to them with just a look - that if they say one more word, life may end.

I lie down on the couch.

The 9 year old boy asks me if they can open the presents now and I tell him that before we can do anything, everyone needs to settle down a bit and that we need to wait for the 15 year old girl to come upstairs from her room so the entire family can be there. He takes it upon himself to wake her up and I hear her scream at him "Get out of my room and let me sleep!" Apparently he decided that she didn't really mean what she had said, because I hear her scream (even louder) "I want to sleep! Get out!"

The 9 year old then comes upstairs and tells my wife that the 15 year old won't get out of bed. She tells him to leave the 15 year old alone for a few minutes and for him to go into the living room and sit down and wait. But what he hears is for him to go back downstairs and yell at the 15 year old "Mom says you have to get up now!"

This is where the 15 year old goes into assault mode.

She chases the 9 year old up the stairs, into the living room and kicks him in his hiney like a soccer ball which sends him sprawling across the hardwood floor and sliding into the wall next to the front door, tipping over a floor lamp in the process.

The lamp thumps the 13 year old boy right square in the noggin. He makes no effort to move out of the way of the falling lamp because he's a male and we males tend to not move out of the way of things. He jumps out of the chair and goes after his 15 year old sister who tries to retreat, but he's too fast and almost instantaneously has her on the floor in a head lock threatening to remove her lungs through her mouth. My wife jumps in and separates them while telling them that if they don't stop acting like wild animals, she'll gather up all the gifts and put them in the trash cans outside.

I get up off the couch, pour myself a glass of orange juice, go back into the living room, place the glass of OJ on the end table and lie back down on the couch.

Meanwhile, the 5 year old is opening presents - none of which are hers - and the 15 year old girl - who is now in teenage drama queen mode - alerts us to this fact because the 5 year old is wearing the fashionable boots that my mother-in-law told the 15 year old she was going to get for a gift. The 15 year old picks up her little sister, rips the boots off the kid, puts the 5 year old down, grabs the boots and sits down on a chair. The 5 year old isn't about to give up the boots without a fight and goes after her older sister. The two of them play tug-o-war with the boots until the 5 year old loses her grip, falls down and starts to cry. The wife comes into the living room from the kitchen, picks up the 5 year old and tells the 15 year old that she is "this close" to being grounded to her room for the remainder of the Christmas break. The 13 year old backs up my wife by telling the 15 year old that it's not cool to pick on a 5 year old girl, but the wife doesn't appreciate the help, as she tells the 13 year old that if he doesn't sit down and shut up, he'll not only be grounded too, but will have a broken butt as well.

I get off the couch, drink the rest of the OJ, walk into the kitchen, place the empty glass in the sink and go back into the living room and lie down on the couch.

The wife then turns on me. She asks me why I allowed the 5 year old to open several presents, as if it's my fault. She doesn't accept my answer when I told her that I didn't see what was going on because I was lying on the couch drifting in and out of sleep. She then makes me sit up so she, the 5 year old and the 9 year old can sit on the couch so we can start unwrapping the presents that the 5 year old didn't already open.

From there, other than the few times that the 15 year old girl expressed her preference would be to be asleep in her bed - which were quickly squelched by my wife reminding her of impending said grounding - the rest of Christmas went smoothly.

And close to noon, I was the last one out of the house to go to the in-laws' house where more Christmas cheer would be spread. But no fallen trees or floor lamps.

[SteelBlue]

Well, if it's any consolation IlPad, I really enjoyed your story. That's one of the more entertaining things I've read in weeks.

[marsupial]

I feel for your 9-year-old. My brothers are 9 and 14 years older than me. I was up and ready by 6:30 a.m., but always had to wait around for them to get up... usually sometime around 10 a.m.

Our morning was not nearly as exciting, but my son did wake up a 2 a.m. He was just drawing pictures in the office on printer paper, waiting for everyone else to get up. Then he decided to watch a movie. The TV woke us up and that's when he got hauled back to bed where he thankfully stayed for another 5 hours.

[YOhio]

I don't know how your wife puts up with you IPU. Your kids are destroying the house and all you care about is the pulp in your orange juice.

[Jeff Lebowski]

Oh man, that is classic. Thanks for sharing.

And BTW, merry Christmas.

[FarrahWaters]

Originally Posted by YOhio

I don't know how your wife puts up with you IPU. Your kids are destroying the house and all you care about is the pulp in your orange juice.

I was impressed that he put the glass back in the kitchen. Such hard work.

I'm waiting for your Christmas letter, IPU.

[BYU71]

Great read. I love "Christmas Story", but after seeing it 10,000 times, this was a good break with the same type of humor.

[il Padrino Ute]

Originally Posted by FarrahWaters

I was impressed that he put the glass back in the kitchen. Such hard work.

I'm waiting for your Christmas letter, IPU.

I apologize that I didn't post it earlier. But then, maybe I'm not sorry, eh?


Dear Family and Friends,

When my wife asked me to write the letter this year, she suggested that I try being nice for a change, rather than my usual ornery self. I figured it couldn't hurt, being that this is the time of year when folks make an effort to think of others. Who knows? It might be good for me, eh?

We had quite the year in our family. We have a lot for which to be gratefu......

Who am I kidding? I can't be nice to people I don't like and I sure as hell don't like - nor do I care - about any of you. Asking me to care would be like asking the sun to set in the North. It ain't gonna happen.

I don't understand why any of you insist on continuing any delusional ideas that I'll ever want to be a part of your lives. But if you insist on wanting to wish me well during this time of the year, you can do one thing for me:

Go away.

Now, piss off and keep the embellishments in your letters to yourselves.

The GarthUte family

[il Padrino Ute]

Originally Posted by YOhio

I don't know how your wife puts up with you IPU. Your kids are destroying the house and all you care about is the pulp in your orange juice.

My wife has told me several times when I've started to help to do things like clean up messes that I just make more work for her. Maybe that's why she sometimes tells people that she has 5 kids instead of 4 kids and a husband?

BTW, there was no pulp in the orange juice.

[BYU71]

Originally Posted by il Padrino Ute

I apologize that I didn't post it earlier. But then, maybe I'm not sorry, eh?


Dear Family and Friends,

When my wife asked me to write the letter this year, she suggested that I try being nice for a change, rather than my usual ornery self. I figured it couldn't hurt, being that this is the time of year when folks make an effort to think of others. Who knows? It might be good for me, eh?

We had quite the year in our family. We have a lot for which to be gratefu......

Who am I kidding? I can't be nice to people I don't like and I sure as hell don't like - nor do I care - about any of you. Asking me to care would be like asking the sun to set in the North. It ain't gonna happen.

I don't understand why any of you insist on continuing any delusional ideas that I'll ever want to be a part of your lives. But if you insist on wanting to wish me well during this time of the year, you can do one thing for me:

Go away.

Now, piss off and keep the embellishments in your letters to yourselves.

The GarthUte family

Are you GarthUte. My gosh GarthUte on Utefans is a jackass. I would never have guessed that was you. Crap, that would be like finding out that jackass Catblue on CB was actually someone like, say, Seattle Ute.