Self-Loathing Mormon Test - cougarguard.com — unofficial BYU Cougars / LDS sports, football, basketball forum and message board

Tex · 03-31-2009, 08:52 PM

In honor of the upcoming General Conference, I proudly announce the compilation of the first ever Self-Loathing Mormon Test. Each line item is worth one point plus additional points as specified. This is for those who consider themselves active, practicing members only. Apostates need not take the test.

If I counted right, I believe the max possible is 90 points.

1. You disagree with the church's stance on gay marriage, either legally or doctrinally.

+1 if you voted against Prop 8 (or would've if you could've).
+1 if you think gay marriage should at least be formally recognized by the church (if not also solemnized)
+1 if you think homosexual behavior should be normalized in church doctrine.

2. You think Sterling McMurrin was a church hero.

3. You've read more D. Michael Quinn than James Talmage.

4. You detest all things Bruce McConkie, including (one point for each):

+1 Mormon Doctrine
+2 The Messiah series
+2 Doctrinal New Testament Commentary
-1 if you still reluctantly give his final General Conference address a passing grade

5. You think the only reason McConkie was called as an apostle was his personal relationships.

6. You come home each Fast Sunday and make fun of people who bore their testimonies.

+1 if you go online and post/blog/facebook about it.
+1 if your favorite targets are primary children.

7. You are bothered/annoyed by the statement, "I know the Church is true."

+1 if the part that bothers you is the word "know."
+1 if the part that bothers you is the word "true."

8. You think being a home teacher is a waste of your time.

+1 if you think it's a waste of your time to be home taught.
+2 if you think home teaching is a waste of time, period.

9. You think the deacons collecting fast offerings is a waste of time.

10. You think Eagle scout projects are a waste.

+1 if you think this about the scouting program in general.

11. You resent to being asked to set up chairs or clean the building.

12. You disagree with the "won't lead the church astray" doctrine, and think Woodruff was wrong to teach it.

+1 if you also think prophets and apostles have made too much of the statement in the decades since
+5 if you can cite at least 5 times in church history you think it's actually happened.

If one of those 5 is in the last 25 years, quit reading now. You are a guaranteed self-loathing Mormon and don't need to read further.

13. You believe most people in the church think the prophet is infallible.

+1 if you believe most people think this about their bishop and/or stake president.

14. You find the church's teachings on sexual morality confining and outdated.

+1 if you think there should be an exception for singles age 30 and up
+1 if you think there should be a self-stimulation exception

15. When you think of the Quorum of the Twelve, the first thought that comes to mind is, "Why can't the Lord pick a non-white, non-American, non-lawyer for a change?"

+1 if you usually substitute "the prophet" for "the Lord" in that sentence.
+1 if you usually substitute "that old, white guy" for "the Lord" in that sentence.

16. You agree with the statement, "The presidency of David O. McKay was one of missed opportunities on civil rights."

17. When you think of the First Vision, the first thing that comes to mind is the differences in the early accounts.

18. When Jesus speaks of the "weightier matters" (Matt 23:23), you think of Joseph Smith's relationship with Fanny Alger.

19. You find the "Presidents of the Church" Melchizedek priesthood/Relief Society manuals mundane.

20. You enjoy stories about general authorities and/or prophets' weakness and personal failings.

+1 for each of the following about which this is true: Brigham Young, Bruce McConkie, Joseph Fielding Smith, Harold B. Lee, Paul Dunn, Ezra Taft Benson.

21. You pick apart stories and analogies used by general authorities to convey simple gospel principles.

22. You think polygamy sprang forth solely or primarily from the libido of Joseph Smith.

+1 if you think some/all of Joseph's plural marriages were violations of chastity in the eyes of God.

If you think his death was God's punishment for his sexual indiscretions, stop now. You are a guaranteed self-loathing Mormon.

23. When you read accounts of persecution of the early saints, your mind wanders to the those things the early saints did to provoke their persecutors.

+1 if you think more time should be spent in church curricula studying those things

24. You think the priesthood ban sprang forth solely or primarily from the racism of Brigham Young and contemporary church leaders.

+1 if you think the only or primary reason it continued to exist after Brigham Young was the continued racism of following prophets.
+1 if you think a revelation was not necessary to rescind the ban, and church leaders had simply convinced themselves it was.

25. You think the lifting of the priesthood ban was less about revelation, and more about certain opposition dying off, combined with Spencer Kimball's skills at building consensus.

+1 if you think the fact that it was added to the D&C as an Official Declaration instead of a Section supports your hypothesis.

26. You are a fan of "innoculation."

27. You fast-forward through the hymns when watching General Conference.

+1 if you fast-forward through the talks instead.
+1 if you only fast-forward the women's talks.
+2 if you don't bother to watch at all, including (for the men) priesthood session
+1 if you claim to do this because you prefer to study the conference Ensign instead.

28. You find the temple recommend questions unnecessarily invasive.

+1 if the first thing you think of when someone says "temple worthy" is "chaste and doesn't drink or smoke."
+2 if the first thing you think of when someone says "temple worthy" is "has successfully fooled the bishop/stake president into thinking they are chaste and don't drink or smoke."

29. You think the temple sealing should be open for non-members to attend.

30. You find the endowment ceremony boring, pedantic, and/or tedious.

+1 if you like that the temple is quiet and peaceful, but never feel like you learn anything there

31. You think a male-only priesthood is misogynistic.

+1 if it offends you that the Relief Society is organized underneath the umbrella of the priesthood.

32. You think church discipline is unchristian.

+1 if you think excommunication should be eliminated as a disciplinary option.

33. You detest Julie Beck or her "Mothers Who Know" talk.

34. You secretly (or openly) find unflattering news and entertainment about the church to be a positive thing, because it finally forces the truth into the light.

35. You occasionally or frequently mock Primary songs.

36. You think this test is an attempt to drum people out of the church.

+1 if this list just made you more angry the further you read.

Add 'em up. Post your score. It's fun!

MikeWaters · 03-31-2009, 09:20 PM

Great list. I would change a few things.

Like instead of male-only priesthood being mysogynistic or sexist (which it is on its face), you should say "You think that women actually hold the Priesthood already."

Also, "You frequently come across things in the church official lesson manuals, that you cannot teach as a matter of conscience (e.g. that inter-racial marriage is wrong)."

Snowcat · 03-31-2009, 09:27 PM

Nice work.

MikeWaters · 03-31-2009, 09:35 PM

"You think that Mountain Meadows Massacre wasn't just the Injuns gone wild."

"You wonder why 1) basketball and baseball baptisms were allowed, and 2) why it didn't lead to any BYU success on the hardcourt and playing diamond, respectively."

Archaea · 03-31-2009, 11:59 PM

some people have too much time on their hands.

SeattleUte · 04-01-2009, 12:49 AM

Waters/tex have earned a five star rating.

MikeWaters · 04-01-2009, 01:24 AM

"You aspire to the unofficial, yet God-sanctioned, calling of 'loyal opposition.'"

Clark Addison · 04-01-2009, 02:48 AM

19 for me.

MikeWaters · 04-01-2009, 02:57 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tex

12. You disagree with the "won't lead the church astray" doctrine, and think Woodruff was wrong to teach it.

+1 if you also think prophets and apostles have made too much of the statement in the decades since
+5 if you can cite at least 5 times in church history you think it's actually happened.

If one of those 5 is in the last 25 years, quit reading now. You are a guaranteed self-loathing Mormon and don't need to read further.

I'm ticked that Tex didn't make it 31 years instead of 25 years, so I could quit the quiz early.

http://cougarguard.com/forum/showthread.php?t=25719

Venkman · 04-01-2009, 05:28 AM

Tex, nice work. I was hoping I could score higher, but I was only an 8. I guess it could have been higher, but I really just don't care one way or the other on some of these issues.

03-31-2009, 08:52 PM	#1
Tex Senior Member Join Date: Dec 2006 Posts: 8,596	Self-Loathing Mormon Test In honor of the upcoming General Conference, I proudly announce the compilation of the first ever Self-Loathing Mormon Test. Each line item is worth one point plus additional points as specified. This is for those who consider themselves active, practicing members only. Apostates need not take the test. If I counted right, I believe the max possible is 90 points. 1. You disagree with the church's stance on gay marriage, either legally or doctrinally. +1 if you voted against Prop 8 (or would've if you could've). +1 if you think gay marriage should at least be formally recognized by the church (if not also solemnized) +1 if you think homosexual behavior should be normalized in church doctrine. 2. You think Sterling McMurrin was a church hero. 3. You've read more D. Michael Quinn than James Talmage. 4. You detest all things Bruce McConkie, including (one point for each): +1 Mormon Doctrine +2 The Messiah series +2 Doctrinal New Testament Commentary -1 if you still reluctantly give his final General Conference address a passing grade 5. You think the only reason McConkie was called as an apostle was his personal relationships. 6. You come home each Fast Sunday and make fun of people who bore their testimonies. +1 if you go online and post/blog/facebook about it. +1 if your favorite targets are primary children. 7. You are bothered/annoyed by the statement, "I know the Church is true." +1 if the part that bothers you is the word "know." +1 if the part that bothers you is the word "true." 8. You think being a home teacher is a waste of your time. +1 if you think it's a waste of your time to be home taught. +2 if you think home teaching is a waste of time, period. 9. You think the deacons collecting fast offerings is a waste of time. 10. You think Eagle scout projects are a waste. +1 if you think this about the scouting program in general. 11. You resent to being asked to set up chairs or clean the building. 12. You disagree with the "won't lead the church astray" doctrine, and think Woodruff was wrong to teach it. +1 if you also think prophets and apostles have made too much of the statement in the decades since +5 if you can cite at least 5 times in church history you think it's actually happened. If one of those 5 is in the last 25 years, quit reading now. You are a guaranteed self-loathing Mormon and don't need to read further. 13. You believe most people in the church think the prophet is infallible. +1 if you believe most people think this about their bishop and/or stake president. 14. You find the church's teachings on sexual morality confining and outdated. +1 if you think there should be an exception for singles age 30 and up +1 if you think there should be a self-stimulation exception 15. When you think of the Quorum of the Twelve, the first thought that comes to mind is, "Why can't the Lord pick a non-white, non-American, non-lawyer for a change?" +1 if you usually substitute "the prophet" for "the Lord" in that sentence. +1 if you usually substitute "that old, white guy" for "the Lord" in that sentence. 16. You agree with the statement, "The presidency of David O. McKay was one of missed opportunities on civil rights." 17. When you think of the First Vision, the first thing that comes to mind is the differences in the early accounts. 18. When Jesus speaks of the "weightier matters" (Matt 23:23), you think of Joseph Smith's relationship with Fanny Alger. 19. You find the "Presidents of the Church" Melchizedek priesthood/Relief Society manuals mundane. 20. You enjoy stories about general authorities and/or prophets' weakness and personal failings. +1 for each of the following about which this is true: Brigham Young, Bruce McConkie, Joseph Fielding Smith, Harold B. Lee, Paul Dunn, Ezra Taft Benson. 21. You pick apart stories and analogies used by general authorities to convey simple gospel principles. 22. You think polygamy sprang forth solely or primarily from the libido of Joseph Smith. +1 if you think some/all of Joseph's plural marriages were violations of chastity in the eyes of God. If you think his death was God's punishment for his sexual indiscretions, stop now. You are a guaranteed self-loathing Mormon. 23. When you read accounts of persecution of the early saints, your mind wanders to the those things the early saints did to provoke their persecutors. +1 if you think more time should be spent in church curricula studying those things 24. You think the priesthood ban sprang forth solely or primarily from the racism of Brigham Young and contemporary church leaders. +1 if you think the only or primary reason it continued to exist after Brigham Young was the continued racism of following prophets. +1 if you think a revelation was not necessary to rescind the ban, and church leaders had simply convinced themselves it was. 25. You think the lifting of the priesthood ban was less about revelation, and more about certain opposition dying off, combined with Spencer Kimball's skills at building consensus. +1 if you think the fact that it was added to the D&C as an Official Declaration instead of a Section supports your hypothesis. 26. You are a fan of "innoculation." 27. You fast-forward through the hymns when watching General Conference. +1 if you fast-forward through the talks instead. +1 if you only fast-forward the women's talks. +2 if you don't bother to watch at all, including (for the men) priesthood session +1 if you claim to do this because you prefer to study the conference Ensign instead. 28. You find the temple recommend questions unnecessarily invasive. +1 if the first thing you think of when someone says "temple worthy" is "chaste and doesn't drink or smoke." +2 if the first thing you think of when someone says "temple worthy" is "has successfully fooled the bishop/stake president into thinking they are chaste and don't drink or smoke." 29. You think the temple sealing should be open for non-members to attend. 30. You find the endowment ceremony boring, pedantic, and/or tedious. +1 if you like that the temple is quiet and peaceful, but never feel like you learn anything there 31. You think a male-only priesthood is misogynistic. +1 if it offends you that the Relief Society is organized underneath the umbrella of the priesthood. 32. You think church discipline is unchristian. +1 if you think excommunication should be eliminated as a disciplinary option. 33. You detest Julie Beck or her "Mothers Who Know" talk. 34. You secretly (or openly) find unflattering news and entertainment about the church to be a positive thing, because it finally forces the truth into the light. 35. You occasionally or frequently mock Primary songs. 36. You think this test is an attempt to drum people out of the church. +1 if this list just made you more angry the further you read. Add 'em up. Post your score. It's fun! __________________ "Have we been commanded not to call a prophet an insular racist? Link?" "And yes, [2010] is a very good year to be a Democrat. Perhaps the best year in decades ..." - Cali Coug "Oh dear, granny, what a long tail our puss has got." - Brigham Young Last edited by Tex; 03-31-2009 at 08:58 PM.

03-31-2009, 09:20 PM	#2
MikeWaters Demiurge Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 36,365	Great list. I would change a few things. Like instead of male-only priesthood being mysogynistic or sexist (which it is on its face), you should say "You think that women actually hold the Priesthood already." Also, "You frequently come across things in the church official lesson manuals, that you cannot teach as a matter of conscience (e.g. that inter-racial marriage is wrong)." Last edited by MikeWaters; 03-31-2009 at 09:33 PM.

03-31-2009, 11:59 PM	#5
Archaea Assistant to the Regional Manager Join Date: Aug 2005 Location: The Orgasmatron Posts: 24,338	some people have too much time on their hands. __________________ Ἓν οἶδα ὅτι οὐδὲν οἶδα

04-01-2009, 12:49 AM	#6
SeattleUte fairlds.org Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Seattle, WA Posts: 10,665	Waters/tex have earned a five star rating. __________________ Interrupt all you like. We're involved in a complicated story here, and not everything is quite what it seems to be. —Paul Auster

04-01-2009, 05:28 AM	#10
Venkman Senior Member Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: South Jordan, UT Posts: 1,799	Tex, nice work. I was hoping I could score higher, but I was only an 8. I guess it could have been higher, but I really just don't care one way or the other on some of these issues. __________________ WWPD?

03-31-2009, 09:27 PM	#3
Snowcat Junior Member Join Date: Sep 2006 Posts: 103	Nice work.

03-31-2009, 09:35 PM	#4
MikeWaters Demiurge Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 36,365	"You think that Mountain Meadows Massacre wasn't just the Injuns gone wild." "You wonder why 1) basketball and baseball baptisms were allowed, and 2) why it didn't lead to any BYU success on the hardcourt and playing diamond, respectively."

04-01-2009, 01:24 AM	#7
MikeWaters Demiurge Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 36,365	"You aspire to the unofficial, yet God-sanctioned, calling of 'loyal opposition.'"

04-01-2009, 02:48 AM	#8
Clark Addison Senior Member Join Date: Jul 2007 Location: North Carolina Posts: 638	19 for me.