Why are my parents

[Mrs. Funk]

Originally Posted by tooblue

Make the decision that is best for you and your husband right now -that's all that really matters. If your parents offer to pay just for you, don't go alone, insist they pay for his ticket also. Have a great holiday when you are able to visit.

As a note I have always lived at least 2,000 miles away from one set of parents for my entire married life ... it only gets easier when you set the ground rules as the adult in the relationship.

I think my parents were a little miffed when I got into BYU Law and we moved away from them. Funk's family is from here, so they feel like we're favoring Funk's family (which we're not... really... it's just a better school!).

We don't play on staying in UT and we're never going to move where my parents are, so I suppose all of our parents need to get used to idea that we're not around whenever they want us to be.

[myboynoah]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Funk

I think my parents were a little miffed when I got into BYU Law and we moved away from them. Funk's family is from here, so they feel like we're favoring Funk's family (which we're not... really... it's just a better school!).

We don't play on staying in UT and we're never going to move where my parents are, so I suppose all of our parents need to get used to idea that we're not around whenever they want us to be.

I can relate. We live away from both families and feel the unhappiness. When I told my parents that we were moving to Memphis (nearer my wife's family) there was an extended period of silence. But that's the great thing about living away from family, you are free once you hang up the phone.

Your parents miss you. You're the oldest. You're gone. Things aren't the same. They at least want you home on Christmas morning to open presents just like every Christmas before. It won't be the same if you are not there.

That's what they want. But it's less about what they want now. If you can't be there, then tell them that and why. Tell them you regret it, but that's the way life is these days. Love and respect them. They may not like it, but they will come around. If it's a money thing, maybe they'll offer to pay for you and The Funk to visit.

You're all working through these changes. Like tooblue says, now is the time to firmly, yet gently and lovingly, set the boundaries.

Good luck.

[bluegoose]

I couldn't agree with Noah and tooblue more on this one. I love my parents and in-laws dearly, but the best thing that we did was to begin to establish holiday (and other) traditions of our own. That has meant missing big family get-togethers on occasion through the years, but overall we have had a great time together on Thanksgiving and Christmas morning with just our little family. This is especially true since kids have come along.

I think that if you made it clear that you wanted to spend your first Christmas together with just your new husband, that your parents would obviously be a little disappointed, but would certainly understand. Plus it sets the precedent that while you're still Daddy's little girl, you're also your own woman and starting a family of your own now.

[marsupial]

Originally Posted by tooblue

... it only gets easier when you set the ground rules as the adult in the relationship.

Totally. Be kind and firm. Don't let them manipulate you. I'm thinking something along the lines of, "This is when we'll be there and this is how long we're staying. We wish it could be sooner and longer but our situation just won't permit it. Let's make the best of the time we have." Then if they start to push the issue say, "Our plans have been made. There is nothing more to discuss." And then change the subject.

[BigFatMeanie]

My inlaws live in San Jose and my wife is the youngest so by the time we got married they were way beyond the "have the kids home for the holidays" thing. However, I did have to deal with it with my parents.

We had kids before some of my brothers and sisters were even married. Thus, my younger brothers and sisters were still doing the 6:00 a.m. presents on Christmas morning thing and my parents wanted us to be there too. That first Christmas with our own kids, I kind of had to put my foot down a little bit by simply stating to my parents and siblings that we would love to come to their house on Christmas day (travel wasn't an issue with us) but that we wouldn't be able to be there until 10:00 a.m. after we had done our own Christmas morning. I took a little bit of flak from parents and siblings - a few snide comments about being selfish or "ruining Christmas for everybody" but I was polite yet firm. After that first time, they realized that it wasn't such a big deal if we didn't show up until later and we settled on a new routine. Over time that routine has continued to change now that all my siblings have their own kids.

I guess in the end you just have to work it out while being considerate of everyone's feelings. You can't please everyone so your most important duty is to your own family unit (husband).

[HuskyFreeNorthwest]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Funk

so completely retarded about major holidays? They are already offended that we can't make it home for Thanksgiving (I'm a first year law student... and will be getting ready for finals... but this is immaterial to them) and that the cheapest tickets back home we can find have us back in my hometown at 9 PM Christmas Day. My dad is throwing a hissyfit that we might miss Christmas Day, the first time I haven't been around to open presents with them.

We're broke newlyweds! What do they want? The earlier flight costs twice as much! We're not trying to break the family or say that we hate them. We're already taking a full week to spend with them. Funk is taking a week off of work so he can sleep in his in-law's basement while his wife gets criticized for being a slothful, worthless waste of skin daughter.

It's always been this way. I can never do anything right. I'm never considerate enough. I'm a big selfish oaf. I should just give up now.

I am not sure what it is that makes parents think holidays are vastly more important than any other day of the year. I could spend 200 days a year with my mom, but because I don't spend Mother's day, T-giving, Xmas and Easter with her she thinks I don't like to spend time with her.

[Black Diamond Bay]

Originally Posted by Mrs. Funk

so completely retarded about major holidays? They are already offended that we can't make it home for Thanksgiving (I'm a first year law student... and will be getting ready for finals... but this is immaterial to them) and that the cheapest tickets back home we can find have us back in my hometown at 9 PM Christmas Day. My dad is throwing a hissyfit that we might miss Christmas Day, the first time I haven't been around to open presents with them.

We're broke newlyweds! What do they want? The earlier flight costs twice as much! We're not trying to break the family or say that we hate them. We're already taking a full week to spend with them. Funk is taking a week off of work so he can sleep in his in-law's basement while his wife gets criticized for being a slothful, worthless waste of skin daughter.

It's always been this way. I can never do anything right. I'm never considerate enough. I'm a big selfish oaf. I should just give up now.

Ummm...try being single and trying it blow it by your mother that you're not interested in spending the money and using the pto that it will take to come home for Christmas this year. Long, long, long pause on the other end of the phone. There's just nothing for me at home anymore. My older sister, older brother, and now my younger sister will all be doing things with their spouses, and/or in another state with in-laws, so that leaves me at home with my little brothers...I love them too but, I'm not going to pay a months rent to fly home for that. Especially when I'm already flying home to spend three days with them over Thanksgiving, and I'm going to be home for three days for a wedding next week. My parents don't argue the point, instead they'll wait until next weekend when I'm there in person and then try and guilt me into coming.

And as far as never doing anything right. You have no idea, I am the third oldest and come behind two of the biggest overacheivers out there. I literally cannot have a conversation with my mother without hearing "well your older sister..." It's always been like that. Every parent teacher conference was "Mr. so and so didn't even realize that you were related to your older brother and sister..." or the favorite: "Mr. so and so is really disappointed in your performance in his class, he already had your brother and sister, and he expected more from you..." Now it's just all about how much better off I would be if I could just be my older sister. Don't get me wrong, their probably right, she is amazing. I'm just not her, and I consistently fail to meet expectations. I talked to them about going to law school, and I'm not sure where on the list I should start of all the reasons why I shouldn't do it, or that I can't do it, or that it would be the wrong thing to do.

All that aside, my parents love me, and they do wants what's best for me. They're controlling, they even openly admit that they are. So sometimes it's best to just let it all roll off, thank them for sharing their opinion, and move on like the conversation never even took place.

[MikeWaters]

Originally Posted by Black Diamond Bay

Ummm...try being single and trying it blow it by your mother that you're not interested in spending the money and using the pto that it will take to come home for Christmas this year. Long, long, long pause on the other end of the phone. There's just nothing for me at home anymore. My older sister, older brother, and now my younger sister will all be doing things with their spouses, and/or in another state with in-laws, so that leaves me at home with my little brothers...I love them too but, I'm not going to pay a months rent to fly home for that. Especially when I'm already flying home to spend three days with them over Thanksgiving, and I'm going to be home for three days for a wedding next week. My parents don't argue the point, instead they'll wait until next weekend when I'm there in person and then try and guilt me into coming.

And as far as never doing anything right. You have no idea, I am the third oldest and come behind two of the biggest overacheivers out there. I literally cannot have a conversation with my mother without hearing "well your older sister..." It's always been like that. Every parent teacher conference was "Mr. so and so didn't even realize that you were related to your older brother and sister..." or the favorite: "Mr. so and so is really disappointed in your performance in his class, he already had your brother and sister, and he expected more from you..." Now it's just all about how much better off I would be if I could just be my older sister. Don't get me wrong, their probably right, she is amazing. I'm just not her, and I consistently fail to meet expectations. I talked to them about going to law school, and I'm not sure where on the list I should start of all the reasons why I shouldn't do it, or that I can't do it, or that it would be the wrong thing to do.

All that aside, my parents love me, and they do wants what's best for me. They're controlling, they even openly admit that they are. So sometimes it's best to just let it all roll off, thank them for sharing their opinion, and move on like the conversation never even took place.

Let me role play your parents.

"You flew up to Provo for how many BYU games in the past two years, and you can't fly up for Christmas?"

[Black Diamond Bay]

Originally Posted by MikeWaters

Let me role play your parents.

"You flew up to Provo for how many BYU games in the past two years, and you can't fly up for Christmas?"

Oh no, they won't go that route, because they like it when I come home for the games. It will more along the lines of "We can't make you come home, but we're really hurt that you don't want to come spend Christmas with us. You live in California, and we don't get to see you very often, and we were really looking forward to having you home for a few days." When that doesn't work they will escalate to other family members "Cousin Bob was asking about when you would flying in for Christmas, he was really looking forward to having you hear, and was pretty disappointed to find out that you're not coming at all." or "Aunt Jane wanted to know if you would be there for the big family get together, and she said that her kids would be really sorry to not see you there." The reality is that there is one cousin that will upset that I don't make it home, and he will place a phone call to let me know in person what he thinks of that decision.

[ute4ever]

Originally Posted by Black Diamond Bay

I love them too but, I'm not going to pay a months rent to fly home for that.

Dang you have a good deal on rent. If I take the internship in Costa Mesa next summer, and you decide to move to San Diego, we can swap places.