Funniest quotes - cougarguard.com — unofficial BYU Cougars / LDS sports, football, basketball forum and message board

UteStar · 03-06-2008, 06:19 PM

My wife passed along a couple of very funny quotes that I will now pass along:

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill then responded back to George Bernard Shaw: “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.”

“Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?”- Milton Berle

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde

Anyway, I am always look for a good line or two.

cougjunkie · 03-06-2008, 06:30 PM

Here a few:

"Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it but only you get the warm feeling it brings."

"Never take life to seriously, no one gets out alive anyways."

"So if you really want something in life you have to work for it, Now QUIET!, they are about to announce the lottery numbers." Homer Simpson

My All time favorite:

"A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay." Demetri Martin.

Mormon Red Death · 03-06-2008, 06:43 PM

"When Todd told me he found Jesus I thought "Woo hoo we're rich!" turns out it was something else" - Jack Handy

RockyBalboa · 03-06-2008, 08:03 PM

"The instrument has yet to be invented which can measure my indifference to that remark." -- Hawkeye Pierce

il Padrino Ute · 03-06-2008, 08:55 PM

Twain had some great ones:

"Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society."

"Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed."

"The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money."

"There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice."

"When angry count four; when very angry, swear."

" Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself."

" You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label."

" Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it."

And this is a great one from Churchill:

Lady Astor to Churchill "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison"
Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it"

BYUTexan · 03-07-2008, 03:02 AM

"If Pro is the opposite of Con, then what is the opposite of Progress?" Trey Parker of South Park

YOhio · 03-07-2008, 03:26 AM

“I might as well be gay. And not just because I love rhinestones and Barbara Streisand. But because I'm a sensitive person who is supportive of gay people the same way I'm sensitive to grossly obese people and ugly people.”

Richard Simmons

03-06-2008, 06:19 PM	#1
UteStar Senior Member Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 1,817	Funniest quotes My wife passed along a couple of very funny quotes that I will now pass along: “I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... if you have one.” - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill. Winston Churchill then responded back to George Bernard Shaw: “Cannot possibly attend first night; will attend second, if there is one.” “Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?”- Milton Berle “He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” - Oscar Wilde Anyway, I am always look for a good line or two. __________________ UteStar's words to live by: "I'm not about play-play, I'm really about business." Goatnapper: "UteStar is the only one who is not scum."

03-06-2008, 06:30 PM	#2
cougjunkie Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Utah Posts: 5,741	Here a few: "Friendship is like peeing on yourself, everyone can see it but only you get the warm feeling it brings." "Never take life to seriously, no one gets out alive anyways." "So if you really want something in life you have to work for it, Now QUIET!, they are about to announce the lottery numbers." Homer Simpson My All time favorite: "A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay." Demetri Martin. __________________ LINCECUM!

03-06-2008, 06:43 PM	#3
Mormon Red Death Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Clinton Township, MI Posts: 3,126	"When Todd told me he found Jesus I thought "Woo hoo we're rich!" turns out it was something else" - Jack Handy __________________ Its all about the suit

03-06-2008, 08:03 PM	#4
RockyBalboa Senior Member Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: Salt Lake City Posts: 7,297	"The instrument has yet to be invented which can measure my indifference to that remark." -- Hawkeye Pierce __________________ Masquerading as Cougarguards very own genius dumbass since 05'.

03-06-2008, 08:55 PM	#5
il Padrino Ute Board Pinhead Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: In the basement of my house, Murray, Utah. Posts: 15,941	Twain had some great ones: "Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society." "Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed." "The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money." "There are several good protections against temptation, but the surest is cowardice." "When angry count four; when very angry, swear." " Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." " You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label." " Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it." And this is a great one from Churchill: Lady Astor to Churchill "Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison" Churchill: "Madam, if I were your husband, I should drink it" __________________ "The beauty of baseball is not having to explain it." - Chuck Shriver "This is now the joke that stupid people laugh at." - Christopher Hitchens on IQ jokes about GWB. Last edited by il Padrino Ute; 03-06-2008 at 09:01 PM.

03-07-2008, 03:02 AM	#6
BYUTexan Member Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: the 903 part of Texas Posts: 286	"If Pro is the opposite of Con, then what is the opposite of Progress?" Trey Parker of South Park __________________ Does your mother work for UPS? ...cuz I could have sworn I saw her starring at my package. The eyes of Texas are upon you Michael Reed (and David Nixon).

03-07-2008, 03:26 AM	#7
YOhio AKA SeattleNewt Join Date: Jan 2006 Posts: 7,055	“I might as well be gay. And not just because I love rhinestones and Barbara Streisand. But because I'm a sensitive person who is supportive of gay people the same way I'm sensitive to grossly obese people and ugly people.” Richard Simmons