Adopting

[Archaea]

what are your thoughts of caucasians adopting noncaucasian children?

An opportunity has arisen of adopting an African American child; we're basically Euro muts with a smidgeon of Native American mixed in. We look Euro.

Is the pressure too much on the child, living in a caucasian family? We hadn't looked to do this, but we're investigating a child that people wish to give up. Our main concerns are health, physical and mental health.

Are there people with experience in this matter here?

I've seen a number of PBS type productions which make it look difficult for the child; but then again I'm aware of a family in Alpine that seems to have helped some kids find good homes.

Thoughts?

[il Padrino Ute]

I don't think it's a problem at all, as children are color blind and only learn think there is a differene if their taught there is a difference. The only way that it would be a problem would be if you allowed it to be a problem.

[FarrahWaters]

how old is the child?

[Archaea]

will other children or their parents make a deal of it?

I'd be naive to think somebody won't make a deal of it to the child. WE have ignoramuses all around. Would blacks avoid the child for living with a white family?

[il Padrino Ute]

If that's the case, then you'd be obliged to let the offending adult or the parent of the offending child have it with both guns blazing.

[Archaea]

The child about which we first learned of today is two months I believe. A ward member informed us. Maybe we're not christlike, but we want to investigate the child's health history, as we're a healthy family, active and mobile. So adding children, especially those without loving parents is not a problem and we can afford them. However, we're probably NOT patient enough to knowingly select a disabled child.

[MikeWaters]

I don't know of any scientific data...

Certainly many people have done it with success.

One of my cousins is poly (adopted). When he was a pre-teen he seemed to some slight issues where he didn't really get that he wasn't white. But he grew out of that.

I have tremendous respect for anyone that adopts, esp those that adopt kids that aren't likely to get a chance (i.e. older kids).

[Big Daddy D]

Archae, this is one area that I have experience in. Let me just say at the outset that you are asking all the right questions, and that the transracial adoption thing is not something to be approached lightly. Some approach it naively with the idea that "I am color blind so the kid won't feel any different than any other kid". This is not correct.

I'll share some insights from my 8 years as a white father of two African American children. My wife has endometriosis so we have adopted all four of our kids. The first two were arranged via LDS social services and were both caucasian though we were open to any race. Like you, Archae, we had a mandatory preference that the babies would come with good health as far as could be told (no HIV, no fetal alcohol, no crack babies, etc.). We knew what we could handle and what we could not handle. We always felt like the transracial issue, while not minor, was something we had absolute confidence that we could handle. So the first two kids were white. When our second child was four we got a telephone call on a Tuesday telling us of a set of African American twins just born in Philadelphia to a single, unemployed mother of six other children who could not feed two more. We flew out Wednesday, picked them up on Thursday and flew home Sunday with two little bundles about the color of tootsie rolls. Think of your most exciting Christmas as a kid and square that.. that's what this trip was like for us. You can't even imagine it. But I digress..

Our twins turn 8 yrs old next week and will be baptized on 4-8. Pertinent to our story is that we live in Northern Utah County. This is important because, even as whitebread as Utah is, it is one of the most racially openminded places to raise black children in white families. My kids were immediately the novelities of the ward, community, etc. Everyone knew the Daddy family and our neopolitan mix of children.

As they have grown they have had questions along the way about why they are brown skinned while we are not. We have always been open from birth with all of our kids. None has ever gotten weirded out about the adoption issue. I thin kthat can be attributed more from the fact that we are proud of our family and are so pleased that we have been put together this way and that we literally would not have it any other way.. and they know we all feel this way. Their favorite bedtime stories have always been their adoption stories.

We have all been treated well by both black and white people. Rarely but occasionally I'll run into a black person who looks at us like we're watering down their culture or something. But more often than not black people who speak to us act like we're doing something special for the kids. We respond honestly that we, the parents, are the ones who feel blessed because of the kids' in our lives rather than viceversa. We're jsut a family, we're not trying to make a statement or do a service. It's jsut how our family got put together.

Let me say one thing that is just awesome about adoption. Watching your kids develop their talents and personalities is incredibly interesting. When you make a child with your wife you kind of expect them to have similar strengths and weaknesses to yourselves. With adoption you get a whole new set of variables add in. This can be scary for many. For us it has been fascinating and exciting.

WE literally just improved the gene pool of the Daddy family by leaps and bounds. Artistically, musically, athletically etc our kids our measurably more talented than either my wife or myself. I played a lot of sports growing up. My two sons are 2-3x the athlete that I ever dreamed of being. They just have better genes... especially the black son. He plays like a man among boys when he plays basketball or football. Whether he is a good athlete or not is unimportant, but the fact that he has interest is stuff he is really good at is what is important to us.. and it makes it fun that it's in stuff his family (read: dad primarilly) loves as well. Oh, I should add that my AA daugher (twin sister of the above son) was probably the fastest kid in the whole baskeball league this year, boys and girls alike. She's blazing fast.

My advice as you consider this Archaea:
1- consider your own community. Are they educated and will they be open to the child?
2- consider your extended family. Will they accept the child as they would a caucasian child? If not, you need to be prepared to minimize interraction with this part of the family. Your chiild needs to be able to trust family members first and foremost and feel secure around them.
3- are there health issues with the child?
4- has he been able to bond or is he going to have emotional difficulties unrelated to race, but very related to early life nurturing?
5- what are your ages? will you have the energy and strength to raise a transracial child in his teenage years when you may really need to step up the intensity of interraction and boundary control (widen the boundaries but make more rigid the walls).
6- are you prepared to answer the legitimate questions about the blacks and the priesthood and the various less legitimate questions such as ideas about Cain, etc.
7- are you ready to embrace their differences and celebrate those racial differences. This is critical. Some people approach racial differences with color blindness. When you have children of different races, you can not take this approach. You have to accept, embrace and celebrate the differences without stereotyping. eg My aa daughter has darker skin. We all talk about how beautiful her dark chocolate skin is and no matter how many times we go to a tanning booth, we can never get our skin to be as rich and dark as hers. etc. etc. etc.

Good luck. I'm happy to help in any way. Boardmail me if you want to have amore private conversation and I'll give you my cell phone number. If you do it - awesome! If not, that's fine too. Each person has to follow his heart and build his family the way he feels right inside and inline with the promptings of the HG. We are certainly very grateful for all four of our adopted kids... and pleased that we have been able to receive the racial mix that we have received. It's been a huge blessing in our lives.

[Jeff Lebowski]

Hey Big Daddy D,

Thanks for sharing that. What a wonderful inspiring story. God bless you.

[SoCalCoug]

You know, that sort of thing may just be a great way to solve our cornerback problems, too.